#1 Now regarding us-since the day we were together at I’ve wanted you and no other-you said same. I need you to know you have been like home to me. A place of safety, security, warmth, honesty and belonging. Every time I saw you or spoke to you those feelings came alive. This is all confusing. Didn’t you know that wasn’t it obvious with all the contact we made… That I couldn’t live without you? I thought you felt the same. How did you fool me? I believed you too! I couldn’t be wrong. Only explanation is you got mad and thought that I was playing you. I only kept some things away to keep you. Look at who played who-you drop me at Jail with a promise to stick with me-look betrayal.
You put two and two together and came up with 46. Wrong! I wouldn’t tell you about one truck ( $350,000 top-secret load from Canada big-time money). I couldn’t tell you about Hawaii (pick up seeds and bring back 100 pounds- we go back in December for 200 pounds and $750,000 that’s a lot of money). We would be set for life. Oh, I would have to work funeral gig for a while- anyway it was perfect but I can tell you with the $350,000 I would get from one of the trucks and trailers would buy xxxxx(ex wife) a house and out house. With the crop money we could be set for life. I knew if I got her money and quick divorce out-of-state it would be like I was served divorce papers, but I was trying to keep her from being volatile and it was working. I felt trapped like I couldn’t tell you but I was working for us the whole time. I really don’t know what happened that morning but I really think if something happened that would delay us getting together. Oh no I couldn’t handle that. I need you. Needed you where the hell are you?
I was so afraid to have you work with me because of your wrists. I thought if they got worse you would blame me so that’s why I wouldn’t have you come in.
I wanted you well I was thinking how do you I pay for your operation and take care of my baby? Were you already stepping out on me? Is that what you meant when you said you was going to tell me later during one of our phone calls?
Think! My ass is on the line.
Listen to this, you must believe that I only want you – I worked all the time to keep you and make the transition smooth. If I can get out soon I can still make that money but you must retract some statements. They will threaten you -but listen I’ll have a lawyer speak to you. Talk to him to help me and I promise to help you. At least help me out and stop the psychobabble shit about I will kill you when I get out.
I have never threatened you. You have me now you’re making good you said “I’ll destroy you.”
Stop your hate. I love you. We are perfect for each other without the distortions or the charade I would be free to finally be 100% myself with you and never worry about who what where and how. You must believe and trust. I forgive and I love you regardless though.
I know this is a lot-but we both talked about this and now nothing for me-no friends-work-this place sucks big-time trust me-please don’t breathe a word of this communication- I met a new lawyer today it was good. I don’t know if you got other letter so the restraining order just blindsided me-I have not will not ever threaten you or hurt you. What’s with you? Remember the second to last time your sons grades and lies? You chased the poor kid around his room for at least five minutes screaming hitting him with whatever, with buckle-belt beat him silly-you joined the rest of us in the living room and cussed”Goddamnit I’ll put him in the hospital.” You got mad and went and back and did it more for 3 to 5 minutes. It seemed like forever. Are you a good mother? I think so. But can you imagine your son telling or writing that out to the authorities?
You’d be in jail! Any incidents we got into was at your insistence! You are proven to be violent. That last night you were arguing, demanding and screaming that I come right now and get my stuff or I’ll be sorry and that I will be sorry it’s going out on the lawn now! You told me you would destroy me, over what? That you’re jealous? Yep I came close to you -to hold you and you swung at me then I tried to grab your hand and you kept on. I flipped you over to protect myself then you used your legs and feet kicking the hell out of me. I weighted your legs and swatted your ass for 30 seconds. I said you deserved that. I held you to stop. We slept and I apologized in the morning. He looked at me and said my holding my hand.”I’m sorry I don’t ever want you to cheat on me.” I said I’m sorry I won’t and don’t want to cheat either now I get a restraining order.
Look the only threat I made and I’ll keep-I said if you ever cheat on me I’ll leave so fast and you’ll never see me again and I said that you would pay me for everything. You said if I leave I would have a new girlfriend right away. I said bullshit that you would because you have never been without a man. You said you don’t know me very well I won’t look I plan on being single if we broke up.
So who was telling the truth? Who’s looking-who went out-oh my God! It just hit me you were stepping out on me before all this- is that how you hooked up so fast? You went alone to store and Dr. all dressed up a couple times and I asked-you give me vague answers were you? Answer me please! If so, this is easy I’m vapor. I’m gone and not another word from me because you’re not worth the lead in the pencil or paper. Tell me were you? Did you meet, have numbers, keep a foot in the door, were you a snake looking, keeping options open, meeting people and holding out? I don’t think so -let me know okay?
You going out dressed up by yourself- kids in the house -you said shopping at grocery store but you never would get dressed up just for that did you meet someone?
While I was planning for your faithfulness? Ironic don’t you think? I don’t now? Funny thought-oh man that changes everything! If so? Truth please. I told you if you cheated I’m disappearing my only threat-oh I know you cheated on me here in jail but that’s forgivable -stress, scared, threatening, confused. I can kind of understand. You never said it’s over or bye or anything.
I feel like if we could hold each other once more-your defenses would drop and you would be reasonable and get off this-I’m determined, high horse attitude, fuck this shit.
Holding each other always worked-when you got angry you were impossible sometimes irrational and rage oriented. But when you settle and open your soul oh my what a soul. I so love and miss how you could make me feel like I just came home when you grabbed my hand looked at me and said, “I love you.” Then squeezed a part of me.
Anyway enough enough except about cheating on me-what was that you said on the phone, “I was going to tell you about it later”-oh well I choose to love, bless you and the kids like always. No matter what you say I was and am better for you than you realize-
I was not only good for the kids-that’s cheap! That you said that bullshit-
The art is practice for me-it would be destroyed in my cell-keep it safe please. I love you please know that you’ll always be safe.
praying for your reply.
hello again- sorry to bother you but I’m in jail and things are unclear and confusing- surely if you were in my shoes you’d have questions, especially if you had no answers, Huh?
I’m really having a hard time understanding some things-so can we please review?
Please I don’t know what has happened. Okay so after my arrest I was full-time with you. You and me still in love with the same goal-life forever right? Right unless I don’t know something. Two, I’m trying to settle business -You said “I’m with Three, we are intimate you are a little withdrawn but you said still you were committed so let’s review that. We have spent this time up to this point working on one goal-being together. Okay, okay, we had a detour but we are right there you! you wanted 1 my divorce, 2. us together, 3. new life for me. I want the same so what were we doing-but with the delays we waited two years on truck -that turned out to be a scam. I wanted to wait for my son to graduate -what you did not know is that I wanted one last trip with the kids. First a trip in car across 6 states to see long-lost family. Kids want all of us to go to Hawaii- okay.
I can do that but truck deal falls through so I’m scrambling. Could you notice my tension and preoccupation? So I make possible business down Central Valley. I couldn’t tell you -remember me three trips to Madera area Modesto and Merced before the arrest? Okay that business included a contact to be made in Hawaii. I couldn’t tell. I’m thinking okay all this is cool I’ll go come back and file for divorce by August 25-move in my house with you. Xxxxx (ex wife) takes house on Bradshaw and my son goes to college. Girls stay in same house with their mom-continuity. Less stress on them.
I was also expecting a couple of checks -remember that’s why the joint account.
Okay review, you want me, I want you, same goals. Planning etc. I blow it. I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I still don’t know. You take me to court you want me-I want you -we have said we found the one- I’m committed- you’re committed-my last contact with you is good. Next you come visit -act weird -I’m trying to say little to be protective because we are still secret, right?
The next day you won’t answer phone-we have limited contact-you start going out and talking men on the phone. You never say it’s over or goodbye- just nothing. Now this, what happens from here? If you come visit under another name no one would know but me. Change your hand writing when you sign in- please visit with another persons ID and say anything to me-even if it’s goodbye. I need help in closure.
Please I won’t be long have even the guard told me that and I get to be out of this shit.
oh I must tell you that I know I must help people still after our journey in making this money, I’m going to do the car custom shop stuff on the side and work towards buying old hotel to house people and families, teach trade – like a habitat for humanity kind of thing. But just renovating peoples homes in ghetto neighborhoods-I know I must help people that’s what life’s all about. As God has my strength i’ll do it and wish you would too. I have been helping the inmates in here when they ask me to pray for them and a couple of them have wives that seem like they could be good employees for you-I gave them your number and numbers where they could get free food and clothes to help them out so if you get calls just know it’s me trying to help others from here and I know you can always direct them if you have a need-
I checked them out without question. I don’t just tell anybody. I wouldn’t do that. Love those kids-baby.
The man you said was the one, Dale.