Stalked: Chapter 11

Letter #6
That stuff is plain shit. When the one in the million comes,you’ve got to believe and hang in no matter what.
People say “There’s plenty of others out there.” Bullshit!
If you ever believed I was for you then I am still and now I can be better and you too. We know each other. We’ll learn from our experience and be even closer. You would never have to worry about me. I’ve been committed to you-only- and I must apologize.
You didn’t have my best-forgive me please. My always juggling, not being there 100% of the time (but wanting to), worrying about image and Harvest America, sneaking and avoiding people. Shit. Forgive me. The dust has been settling and I still know what is true and that’s you and me forever. Really!!
All that you wanted in a man from me, I know I can do and even better. I know you are capable of the same to me. But we can’t listen to others advice. Dig deep, XXXXXX.
Please come look at my face and hear my voice and then you will know the truth. Please. I need to know the truth because time is going by and I know you are the one (so stop the world for a moment). Be real to love! To yourself! To me! Stop avoiding love or pain. The answer is in facing it. No one can ever cover what you need to face.
But the DA? They tricked you, scared you, misled you and you think that sharing the only secrets between us is good? It isn’t. That is for us only. Even if it is damaging.
I know that without your statement…I just haven’t heard what you’ve been saying-well whatever-but in reality (no coercion just thoughts)-
I need your help now-
I need your love forever-
I need to talk to my best friend, like we used to!!!!
If you are sure you can’t love me, at least help me. The system stinks-and please don’t leave me for the system. I’m a good man and you know it. I’m sorry but you know I’ve been wrong. But you know it is true love. Jail isn’t me. You are the only one who tried to care and understand me. I need you now- I love you and I don’t want to relegate our love to the standard “Oh you will always love that person because they were special but you gotta move on.” Ask your grandma. She knows. That is bullshit. Somethings never come again.
I know you won’t so I write again-In light of losing self respect-because I know it will never be there again with so much and I can make all dreams come true and getting there could be a joy and a testimony at love for all time-the power of love in real people, with real pain, with real stories, with real obstacles, with real hope.
My belief in us is almost as strong as my belief in God. I never found that in a person. Please be real now. Please be honest about love. Please don’t love me like the past – love me now with all the forever and our experiences and dreams. Renew with me and destiny. No pressure. Just requests.
I Love You

Letter #7
My Dearest XXXXXX,
Good Sunday morning to you! It’s Sunday and I miss you. I’m so sad at your order you had served on me. To read your handwriting caused visions of your smile, your braced teeth. I could smell your scents and see your freshly waxed eyebrows…And now this morning I think of past. The last Sunday before I came to jail, we snuggled before you got up to make breakfast and we ate it in bed together watching T.V.That’s the truth, isn’t it? That’s what I remember. You telling me you loved me and you’re glad we were 100% together the last few weeks and you wanted to get this over with and spend the rest of our lives together. Isn’t that true? Did my memories become false? If not, why oh why is there an order with all these false allegations? I can’t even begin to think of a time when I threatened you…except a couple times to say i’ll leave, but couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to leave the love I found.
Do you remember disciplining XXXXXXX (my son)? I do, boy do I. Since I’ve known you, you’ve beat that poor boy at least 8-10 times at least. You said you’d put him in “a damn hospital.” You came out and cussed in front of us and said, “Damn i’ll kill him if I have to!” Then you went back and beat the crap out of him again for about 3-4 minutes. That sounds ugly doesn’t it? But you did that didn’t you? Are you a bad mother? I don’t think so-but that is me looking at the big picture-you as a good mother-frustrated and mad, not making the best decision at the moment.
What if the authorities heard about that or saw it? Your butt would be in jail. Right? An outsider making future decisions about you and your family.
That is exactly what you are doing to me. And falsely. How could that scene from the last Sunday with you become a one-sided , blatantly biased, falsely accusing restraining order.
The last time we were in person you, loved, wanted, needed, had to have, desired to hold,me wanted to look at…then what happened?I go to jail and now this? You rewrite history? I don’t get it.
You have let someone into our circle and you have fed on selective damaging thoughts or memories to contrive this sordid crap to destroy me. Why?
Is it your guilt of not keeping your oath, becoming a cheater, stay out all night like a whore? Does that make you want to drag me down to make you somehow look good? I don’t know or understand-this is untrue crap. The whole story is different. Your actions and my reactions and between us it was understandable in our love relation.
You imagine XXXXXXX (my son) telling all the beatings you did. Are you abusive and threatening? Is he afraid for his life? He was that day. I’m sure-
Remember the last time you wanted to beat him and I asked you to let me handle it-and I made a deal with him to improve in school. I checked everyday and he did improve and we watched him graduate together-you and me, remember? You held me so proud and now this? Now you paint me as some kind of killer or abusive creep.That is not or will never be me. That was someone from your past-XXX XXXXX (my ex-husband) and whoever you have let into our circle has caused you to recreate false memories-You know that I only want to make you happy and fulfill our oaths to one another for the rest of our lives.
I haven’t changed! YOU DID! I was afraid of that-always was- but still I hung on. Still the sap, still the schmuck who believes in love when all I ever had was betrayal.
And you are the one who said you would never fail or reject me. And look at you. Just look. My every effort, time and finances went to you. An unappreciative, self-serving person who wouldn’t come to see me on my birthday. Probably had a date on that day with someone else.
How can you live with yourself when you led me to believe you were something and someone else? If you could of only been truthful about your commitment to me. I, however, have been totally committed and if you would of visited me you would of been in a different place than you are now. If you had the guts, truthfulness and honesty and determination to be anything other than the fraud you’ve perpetrated on me-you would of seen me and would be doing different things.
You would know how I’ve worried about your every move. What man is paying your bills now? I know you can’t. Ar you dancing? Hooking? is that it? I don’t know, but hurting me will never release you from the guilt you will feel every time you sleep in my bed. My scent will haunt your passion to hurt me while I in comparison have done only kind, generous, truthful gestures to ensure yours and my happiness for the future. That’s all I wanted-The most beautiful woman in the world-who made me believe in love once more. If only you were true. I miss you so bad it hurts-whoever you are-a false memory. I don’t know. But this one thing you must know: I love you and you will always remember me as the one man who believed you and invested all. I loved, I gave, I served, I prayed, I worked, I worshipped for you and yours and today you live in the result.
I will probably have a different result because of your investment of deceit, lies, false and half truths that will maim, hurt, destroy and imprison me-that’s your gift-your legacy-your trophy and crowing achievement in my life. Thanks-I guess.
But that’s me, last on totem pole, always getting cheated on, rejected while hanging on to hope.
You let someone in the circle, I did not! You have heard other voices, reasoned wrongly and painted a picture no where near the truth.
I love you and wish you felt like I deserved one last visit to know the truth and look of the eyes to hear a voice and let me explain some facts that would probably change everything.
I wish to be next to you right now-back in time-just a few weeks ago-your scent, your touch, your words, your promises and my affections.

[Footnote: The seventh letter is a doozy for numerous reasons. I think Dale does a great job illustrating his disordered character all on his own. What is really amazing: he ignores restraining order and basically contacts me upon receiving it; demonstrating little regard for consequences, the rights of others, boundaries, the law…
Dale makes reference to he and I snuggling and having breakfast in bed while watching T.V., BUT, there was one television in my home and it was in the living room. He didn’t touch me, nor I him. During those last weeks, we didn’t hug, touch hands…nothing. Initially, I wondered what his motives were in writing those things. I can only guess he was counting on me turning the letter over to the DA; thinking he would have the opportunity to paint me in an unflattering light, thus casting doubt,making my testimony unreliable. I believe it is also why he wrote about me being a violent and abusive parent. He planned to say the same about his ex-wife in an attempt to invalidate her testimony as well. Dale did not take responsibility for his abuses and wrote I was confusing him with my ex-husband. Dale physically assaulted me numerous times, but in this letter he denied doing so and instead said the abuses were contrived, false, untruths. When I was in graduate school the director of Women Escaping A Violent Environment (WEAVE) came to do a presentation for our class. During the presentation she spoke about the reason abusers deny their victims validation. It’s purposeful.