I have never heard anyone ask for the definition of “Monster.” There seems to be an unspoken understanding when it comes to labeling someone a monster.
1 a : an animal or plant of abnormal form or structure
b : one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character
2 : a threatening force
3 a : an animal of strange or terrifying shape
b : one unusually large for its kind
4 : something monstrous; especially : a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness, deformity, wickedness, or cruelty
5 : one that is highly successful
Origin: Middle English monstre, from Anglo-French, from Latin monstrum omen, monster, from monēre to warn — more at mind.
I’ve danced with many monsters in my lifetime. I’ve loved them and learned from them. I’ve worked along side them (peers) and treat them (patients); except, there is no treatment or cure for them.
Until the recent past, I found myself putting forth great effort in trying to understand them. I wanted to understand,” WHY?” And also what the fuck? How the fuck? What’s wrong with them? Why would they…? How could they?
My mentor and colleagues told me in different ways,”What you’re doing wrong is attempting to make sense of their behavior.” Or “Remember, the ‘why’ is irrelevant.”
It makes sense, now. Although, when it finally clicked, I felt disgusted. Disgusted at my own ignorance; having learned how to Tango with this breed of human, in-vivo; up close and personal.
On the bright side, it is never too late to respect realization when it sets in.
AM I A MONSTER?
I ask this of myself frequently.
I am locked in with predaceous men 40 hours a week. Men who stand before me and tower. They sit across the table from me in a 12 by 12 room. I walk side by side while conversing with them. I am responsible for 30 men; but hundreds know me and greet me by name…and I am not frightened.
I am not afraid because I’ve learned how to read every nuance of the behavior I longed to understand. I can predict what they will do and say. It is easy for me because essentially; monsters are all the same.
They want something. Whether it’s tangible, psychological or both. They want.
I become a chameleon.
When interacting with a serial rapist my brain works like a serial rapist. During an exchange with a pedophile; I use the brain of a pedophile. While conversing with narcissistic, borderline or antisocial personality disordered individuals, I become …
Predators/monsters study prey. I have studied predators for most of my life and have always been adept at spotting them; even as a child. I am in their head and predicting, quite successfully, what they will do next. After a forty hour week of living in their heads I wonder whether I am like them.
I need to decompress.
I am not like them because I am not a predator. I don’t study people to see how I can take advantage of them and abuse them. I morph to remain safe when amongst them. Unlike monsters who use manipulation to conquer and destroy unsuspecting humans.
Unattractive and sick. He knows for certain something is wrong with him. He may admit to feeling like a monster. He may even know he is perceived to be a monster; but he is unable to articulate just what it is about him. Despite knowing something isn’t right with him; he is confounded by the mere suggestion of another, that something is off about his behavior.
The Devil is apt to take offense when confronted; so beware for he is skilled at eluding responsibility and blame. He considers himself more clever than any of the people around him. He will pervert everything in his path in order to make his point.
The Devil is an assessor. He can do so by avoiding your eyes because he fears you will see him for what he is: The Devil.
OR, he will meet your eyes with confidence and dapper charm because he knows you are asleep to his motives. He will derive enjoyment from succeeding in making you his target. Unbeknownst to you, along with his faux friendship and scripted love comes chaos and destruction. His disappearance indicates you’ve grown insipid. . . and he is off to the next.
Shout out to:
ORPHAN, Breakfast House for their free WiFi and letting me sit around while finishing this essay.
3440 C Street